[	mood	|	rejected	]
[	music	|	#1 Crush - Garbage	]

Over, my life is over. I don't know what I did or why or anything. All I know is that my Mistress has pushed me out of her life. There was no warning, no explanation. It started with a few days going by with no word or sign of my goddess. Normally, this isn't such a big deal. Mistress Celena often has business to attend that requires my absence. But the few days stretched into a week, then two. And of course, I couldn't think of anything but her. Think about how I missed her, needed her, and wanted her. All of that and more played through my head over and over to the point where my dreams of her would wake me up and the harsh realization that she was still absent crushed my beating heart. After the third week had gone by, I had to try to see why she hadn't sent for me. Finding my way to the Club alone on the street would have been too dangerous. And if I had been as stupid as to allow myself to get kidnapped, raped, or injured, then Mistress Celena would have been quite furious. So, I took a carriage. At first, the driver wasn't going to take me to the Club, saying that it was no place for a little girl like me.  I promised him double the normal fare and explained that I was only going to Decay because my older sister worked there as a waitress and I had to talk to her. If he believed me, I'll never know. But he did ferry me to the Club, which was already crowded outside with a line of people looking to get in. Throwing the money at the driver, I jumped out and hurried right past those arranged single file until I was stopped by the doorman. I didn't know his name, but I recognized him from previous visits. And when he wouldn't let me pass, I got rather cross and stomped my foot and demanded that he either let me inside or else he would be sorry. Unfazed by my threat, he let the next few people inside and then told me to go away. I informed him that obviously he didn't know who I was or to whom I belonged, to which he merely shrugged and informed me that he did indeed know who I was and to whom I used to belong. Well, this was a rather harsh slap in the face and I lost my mind. Practically screaming, I tried rushing past him to get inside. I had to find Mistress Celena and beg her to tell me that what the man had said wasn't true. Of course, I'm a rather small girl and the doorman was incredibly strong. Needless to say, I didn't get inside. For almost an hour I stood outside, screaming and crying for my Mistress. Begging until the tears burned my throat and my insides felt like they had been stabbed with the talons of a dozen Vlader hawks. How I managed to walk back to the Inn is a mystery, but somehow I succeeded without any trouble. That was four days ago, dearest Diary. I have done nothing but lay in my room bawling and weeping for my loss. I've taken neither food nor drink, nor have I left these four walls. Why did she abandon me? Did I say something wrong? Did I not show her how much I adored and worshipped her? Surely there was some flaw in me that was too horrid for a beautiful, perfect being such as her to stand. Father was right, I am a curse. The bathroom mirror is shattered and as I write this, I am holding a jagged piece of the looking glass in my hand. I will end my pain tonight. If my Mistress does not want me, then there is nothing left here for me. Two little slices across tender flesh and then I'll sleep forever. Tabi, if you are waiting for me across the Void, I'll be seeing you soon. This is the last testament of Samantha Marie Stone. Goodbye, dear Dairy.

I can't do it!!! I'm so worthless and pathetic that I cannot even end my own disastrous life! Every time I start to cut myself, I see Mistress Celena in my mind and think that perhaps she will change her mind and want me back. And being dead, that would be impossible. So I cannot bring myself to do it. Forgive me, dear sister, but I cannot join you in eternal slumber. Not while there is a chance, no matter how small, that my Mistress will come for me.